Levity for the Holidays
Posted by Janice Teetsell
on Dec 11, 2010
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.